How to Choose the RIGHT Bridesmaids

Choosing bridesmaids is so exciting! You get to ask all your best girls to stand by your side while you marry the man of your dreams! What isn't to love?! Well, let me tell you... If you choose the WRONG bridesmaids, it can make wedding planning and everything that goes along with it a huge headache. It's no fun when you have to kick someone out of your wedding--I know from personal experience. So, I'm here to help you choose the right bridesmaids from the very beginning so you don't have to go through the headache of choosing the right bridal party or possibly losing friends because you have to "fire" one of them.

Following this chart should help your decision; however, it's never quite as simple as we want things to be. Use the chart as a guide, not as a Bible. There are always exceptions to everything, but let me explain a little about why this chart works.

You might be looking at this and thinking "Just because I haven't known someone from longer than 2 years or because they aren't super excited about my wedding doesn't mean they shouldn't be in my wedding!" and honestly, before I started planning my wedding, I thought the same thing. Let me explain to you why this chart is the way it is.

How Long Have You Known Her?

The amount of time you've known someone shouldn't matter. Notice I say shouldn't, not doesn't. That's because, sadly, it kind of does. The reason I say that you should not have someone in your wedding unless you've known them for longer than 2 years is because of a mistake I personally made with my wedding. I became fast friends with a girl a little less than a year before our weddings. Seriously, we were the absolute best of friends, I'd never known anyone like her. Plus, we were getting married two weeks apart! We both decided we should be bridesmaids for each other. We got so close, so quick, we were both just absolutely sure that just because we hadn't known each other for very long didn't mean we couldn't be in each other's weddings. Oh, how wrong I was. Here's the thing... It takes time to get to know someone. To truly, 100% know them. Needless to say, this girl and I had a falling out about 2 months before our weddings and I decided not to be in her wedding, and I ended up having to ask her to step down. She pretty much stopped speaking to me after that. I wish so bad that we had never decided to be in each other's weddings; if we hadn't, we would have gotten over our falling out and still been friends. It was the fact that I kicked her out of my wedding that I believe truly caused us to stop being friends. I don't necessarily regret that decision--who knows if we still would have been friends 5 or 10 years down the road, and then she would have been in all my pictures and everything. I just regret that we decided to be in each other's weddings in the first place.

Long story short, If you haven't known them for at least 2 years, you don't truly know if they will be around 5, 10 or 15 years from now. Do you really want someone in all of your pictures in 5 years that you can barely remember the name of? It's honestly better to just not ask them in the first place. That doesn't mean they can't have some job that day, or go to bridal showers, bachelorette parties, and even hang out with all the girls the night before the wedding. It's more about the pictures and the memories of how the day went. Not to mention, if you have a falling out before the wedding and have to kick them out, I can almost guarantee you won't continue to be friends with them after that.

Does She Get Along with Your Other Girls?

This one I also have some personal experience with. Same story as above. My friend I just mentioned had a maid of honor that did NOT like me. They had been friends for many, many years and I think the MOH felt threatened by me because the bride and I hadn't known each other very long but were already super close. Throughout the planning of my friend's wedding, her MOH made my life a living hell. She picked fights with me...sort of. Actually, she acted like she liked my ideas for the shower and was fine with everything, but then she would go behind my back and complain to the bride (like she didn't have enough to deal with already). Eventually me and the MOH got into it pretty badly when I confronted her about talking to me instead of bothering the bride. It got to the point where the MOH convinced the bride that I needed to be kicked out of planning the shower. That was when our friendship started to deteriorate.

I see this all too often. A lot of times, when one of your girls doesn't like one (or more) of your other girls, you get to play referee, because you're the mutual friend. It's enough to make a lot of brides want to just call off the wedding and elope. If I have any words of advice, it's this: if she doesn't get along with your other friends--kick her to the curb--even if she is your best friend in the entire world that you've known since you were in diapers, because in the long run she is most likely going to make your life hell during the planning process (or even get herself punched in the face by another bridesmaid).

Is She Excited About Your Wedding?

Why is this a big deal? So what if they aren't super excited about your wedding. It's your wedding, not theirs!

Ok, I totally get this point. Now let me tell you why I put it on the chart.

During the planning process, the majority of your friends and family are going to get VERY SICK of listening to all things wedding, all the time. We brides have a tendency to talk about our wedding 24/7 to anyone who will listen. That is going to quickly annoy a lot of people. You need your team of girls to be super pumped for your wedding so they don't tire of it, and bridesmaids are the first line of contact for the bride. They are the girls that, by definition, pretty much have to put up with the wedding talk.

If your girls don't love talking about your wedding, listening to all the details, helping you plan, and they aren't excited to do stuff with you like go try on dresses and help make decorations, they really aren't the ideal bridesmaids. So many brides tell me how alone they felt because their bridesmaids acted like they couldn't care less. You should not be alone when planning your wedding. That's what bridesmaids are for! Plus, trust me, if they aren't excited before you've even asked them to be bridesmaids, they will be even less excited down the road when that's all you can talk about anymore.

Is She Good Under Pressure?

Not only are your bridesmaids supposed to be there to talk all things wedding with you whenever the mood strikes, they are also there to help calm you down. Your bridesmaids will be helping with all kinds of things on the day of and there is a LOT of pressure to get everything perfect the day of the wedding. If your girls crack under pressure they are not going to enjoy the days leading up to and the day of the wedding. This one is on the list for both your sanity and the sanity of the girl you're considering. If they have high anxiety levels, don't handle stress well, or can't handle time management, don't ask them to be a bridesmaid. If you really want them in your wedding, have them do something else that doesn't require quite so much from them. Consider having them as an usher, greeter, helper, etc.

Bonus Questions

* Are they big drinkers/partiers?

-Consider not having them as bridesmaids (unless you are too!). They will likely look at this as an excuse to party, party, party and not as a serious undertaking. Not to mention, drunk girls break things.

* Are they too shy to stand up in front of all your guests?

-Being a bridesmaid means they will be standing at the front during the ceremony with you, they will have their picture taken hundreds of times and more. Are they the type of person who is comfortable with all of that?

* Are they cooperative?

-Being in a wedding also means wearing a dress they might not like, having their hair and makeup done the way you prefer, and just generally not being super picky. Some girls hate being told what to wear and how to do their makeup, so that's definitely something to consider!

* Can they afford to be in the wedding?

-Another thing to consider is that being in a wedding can be crazy expensive! Did you know the average cost of being a bridesmaid right now is around $1500?! Between buying the dress, the shoes, possibly paying for hair and makeup, possibly an out-of-town weekend-long bachelorette party, and bridal shower/wedding gifts, it is not going to be cheap for them. Of course, bridesmaids should not feel they have to get you a wedding gift--their being in your wedding is enough of a gift. And you can help them out by having a local bachelorette party.