Planning a Wedding While Grieving
Fifteen years ago today, I lost my "pseudo-sister," Amanda. She was my sister's best friend, but she was always at our house, and was like a sister to me too. In honor of Amanda, today I would like to discuss wedding planning while grieving.
Those of you who don't know me well, may not know that I also lost my best friend, Jillian, almost exactly one year before my wedding. I have to tell you, this is a hard article to write. Not only because of the topic, but I also don't want it to seem like I'm looking for sympathy or anything like that. I know that MANY of you out there might be going through similar things, and I think it is important that I share my story in hopes of helping some of you. This is going to be a long post, I apologize in advance.
I am going to tell you the story, so first I have to say that this is your trigger warning. I do not want to upset anyone and some of what I discuss could have a triggering effect.
Jillian was my best friend since 4th grade. We grew up together. Throughout our lives, there were times when we were closer and times when we hardly saw each other. Even during the times that we weren't hanging out together, we knew we still loved each other. We simply didn't always speak because we had our own separate lives and we were very different people, but we never had a fight. I thought that even when we were far apart, we would still be there for each other, still call each other if either of us ever needed anything. I guess I was wrong.
In April 2016, one year before my wedding (which was in April 2017), I found out that my best friend had committed suicide. Unfortunately, we had been in one of those barely-speaking periods for a couple of years prior to this. Because we weren't super close at this time, I never saw or heard any of the typical warning signs you normally see when someone is suicidal. I was taken completely by surprise. To me, she was still the silly, fun-loving, happy-go-lucky Jillian. That's all I could ever think of her as; that's who she was to me. So full of life and happy all the time. I guess that wasn't the case lately.
I found out that she was gone on Facebook. I saw one of our mutual friends post something about how they couldn't believe she was gone. Let me just say, that is a shitty way to find out your best friend is gone. To be honest, it was April 2nd and I thought that it was some terrible April Fools Day joke. I remember calling and texting her family over and over trying to get a response and thinking for sure they would tell me "HA! Got you!" I will always regret that we weren't super close in the last couple of years leading up to her death. I regret that I had no idea she was suffering. I regret that we weren't still close enough for her family to reach out to me when it happened. I understand that they were going through SO much at the time, I can't be angry at them for not letting me know right away. I just don't understand how all of Facebook knew before I did. I thought she was still my best friend--we had just grown apart. No matter what, she will always be my best friend, my baby sister.
If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide, please please please reach out to someone. You can call the suicide line 1-800-273-8255 or even text 741741. Please know that you are not alone.
I had no idea how I was going to find it in myself to keep going. How was I supposed to plan a wedding without my best friend? How was I going to HAVE a wedding without my best friend there?
For those of you out there suffering a loss in the midst of planning a wedding, let me just reach out and I say I am so, so sorry for your loss. If you ever need someone to talk to--I'm so serious--please email me.
Now I'd like to share with you a few things that I found really helped me through it.
1) Reach Out to Others Who Are Going Through the Same Thing.
Whether it's people who have lost the same person you lost, people who have lost someone else or people planning their weddings, having company is such a huge help when it comes to starting to pick up the pieces again. The main thing here though is NOT to dwell on the loss. Don't get me wrong, you can grieve, mourn the loss, discuss the loss...just don't let it swallow you whole. Try to connect with someone on other topics, who shared a similar loss if you can.
For me, this came in the form of my friend, Bonnie. One of the last things that Jillian said to me was that she really wanted me to meet her friend, Bonnie because we were so much alike. She just knew that Bonnie and I would be amazing friends. After Jillian was gone, I reached out to Bonnie, mainly because she was the closest person to Jillian at the time and I really wanted some answers. Eventually we got to talking about other things as well, including the fact that we were both planning weddings, and in fact were getting married just 2 weeks apart! We became fast best friends. I will forever be grateful to Jillian for bringing us together. Sadly, Bonnie and I are not the best of friends anymore; we had a falling out, but I will always love her dearly and I miss her every day. Bonnie was absolutely, hands down, THE BEST medicine I could have asked for. We could grieve together but also plan our weddings and have fun together. If you can find someone like that, I promise, it will be the best thing for you. Even if you can't plan your wedding with the person, try to reach out to other mutual friends and strike up a conversation. You never know where you might find the perfect someone to help ease the pain.
2) Let Yourself Grieve.
One thing about wedding planning is, you feel like you have to "go, go, go" all the time. Sometimes it's a whirlwind that sweeps you up and doesn't let you go. When you lose someone, you need to grieve. STOP wedding planning for a little while. Don't get upset with yourself because you "need to be doing this, or that." Just take some time. Focus on letting yourself be sad, letting yourself take a break, and most importantly, focus on your loved ones that are still there. If you need a few days, a few weeks or even a few months--take it. If you have to push the wedding back, don't feel guilty for that. I promise everyone will be understanding.
3) Don't Be Afraid to Be Happy
One of the hardest parts about losing someone is the guilt of being happy again--the feeling like you're somehow betraying the person by even smiling. Usually, the first smile or moment of happiness after the loss is one of the hardest things. After I lost Jillian, the first time I smiled, I immediately broke down in tears right after. This is okay. It is normal. It is natural. It's a part of the grieving process. But don't forget that your loved one WANTS you to be happy. You don't need to feel guilty for being happy again because that is exactly what they want you to be. They don't want you to wallow in pain and misery forever. Don't forget that.
4) Honor the Person at Your Ceremony or Reception
Some people honor the person they have lost by setting aside an empty seat for them, maybe with a rose on the seat, at the ceremony and/or reception. You could do this if it would make you feel better. I didn't, because it would have made me cry. I did collect photos of deceased family and friends, and I framed them in a multi-frame with a sign in the middle. It read, "We know you would be here today, if heaven weren't so far away." I hung that on the wall at my reception site. Lots of guests stopped to look at it.
5) A Word of Caution: Don't Press the Family of the Deceased to do More Than They Feel Comfortable With
Maybe you are grieving for your best friend, and in a perfect world, her mom would have hosted a shower for you; maybe you are grieving a grandfather and your grandmother now feels that she just can't bring herself to attend your wedding; maybe you are grieving for your own father, and now he won't be there to walk you down the aisle, and your mother feels like she will break down and cry if she has to watch your brother do it instead. Please be sensitive to their needs. Give them an easy way out of hosting or attending, be willing to change seating arrangements if needed, be creative about how you are handed off to your husband at the ceremony. Whatever it takes to help them. I promise, it will help you, too.