How to Fire a Bridesmaid...The Right Way
So, you find yourself in the terrible position of having to fire a bridesmaid. It's never a fun thing to have to do. I can tell you from personal experience that firing a bridesmaid is super difficult and super painful.
There are plenty of reasons why you might find yourself in this position, so I won't dive into whether or not to fire a bridesmaid. Instead I am going to focus on what comes after you've made the decision to fire one.
Unfortunately, there is no "one-size-fits-all" correct way to fire a bridesmaid. I wish it was a simple answer, but it's not.
I've heard of so many different ways to do it "nicely." I have to tell you, there really just isn't a nice way of doing it. Chances are pretty good that you are not going to walk out of this with your friendship still intact, unless you have an incredibly nice and understanding friend (which, let's be honest, we all think our friends are--but the reality is, firing them is going to hurt them no matter how wonderful a person they are).
The best thing I can say is--plan on the friendship being over. Be prepared for that worst-case scenario. If you can't imagine ending the friendship over it, reconsider whether you really want to fire her or not. If you decide you still want to fire her, read through these tips to try and find the best way to do it.
1. Put yourself in her shoes.
How would you feel if one of your best friends kicked you out of her wedding? Truly think about this. Don't just say "well, it depends on why she feels that way." that's a cop out. Consider your relationship with the person and how hurt she will be by this. Try to figure out what to say to her, keeping in mind what you would want her to say if the situation were reversed.
2. Sleep on it.
Don't get horribly mad one day and snap and decide to kick her out. Take a day or two, or even a week and think about whether you really want to fire her. Not only will this help distinguish between a true decision vs a bridezilla moment, it will also give you time to calm down and talk to your friend nicely.
3. DON'T ask her if she truly WANTS to be in your wedding.
99% of the time, asking this question will result in a simple "yes" answer. From her point of view, it's just a simple question. She believes YOU want her in your wedding and she does not want to disappoint you by saying "not really," so she will more than likely say "Yeah, I do!" This will get you nowhere fast.
4. Be direct but nice.
This is the hard part. Asking her if she wants to be in the wedding is not direct enough. You have to actually tell her that you don't want her in the wedding. You can't leave this open to interpretation. Try to figure out the nicest way possible to do that. I will explore that more toward the end of this article.
5. Fire her sooner rather than later.
The closer it gets to the wedding, the more stress it will cause both of you if you kick out a bridesmaid. If you want to replace her, finding a replacement in the last month or two before your wedding can be a nightmare. If you aren't sure about it, sleep on it, but try to make a decision quickly so that you have more time to figure the rest out.
6. You might think you're being nice...and she still gets upset.
This was my personal experience. I had a bridesmaid that I had to fire about 2 months before my wedding. She was also planning her wedding at the same time as me. I thought I explained it to my bridesmaid in a nice way. I tried to reiterate how much the friendship meant to me and how much I truly loved her and I just didn't feel like we should be in each other's weddings anymore because we couldn't focus enough on the other person's wedding while focusing on our own. Guess what? I still lost that friendship. That's why I really want to reiterate that you should reconsider firing them if you're not willing to lose that friendship, because no matter how you do it, you're still kicking someone out and everyone will react to that differently.
7. Do it in person if you can.
This can be so so hard, but it really is best to do it in person. I personally couldn't do that because I can't ever find the words in person. I had to meticulously plan and write out my entire spiel ahead of time. That's just who I am, but if you can stand to do this in person, do it. Maybe mine would have gone differently if she could have seen how upset I was about having to do it. I know I wouldn't have been able to keep from crying if we had done it in person.
So, what's the nicest way to put it?
In general, tell her that you still want to be friends (if you do). Tell her that you love her (if you do). Try to get your message through about why you are kicking her out...for example:
1) If she is too busy with something else:
Explain to her that you feel like she doesn't have enough time to devote to your wedding and all the things surrounding it. Explain that you understand that she has her own life and you don't blame her for being too busy. Tell her that you want her to focus on the other things in their life right now and not have the added concern of being a bridesmaid on top of that. Consider offering her a smaller job at the wedding like being an usher, greeting guests, etc.
2) If she doesn't seem to care about your wedding or anything around the wedding:
This one can be kind of tricky to not come off as being a bridezilla (even though you totally aren't--that's the point of bridesmaids, right?!). Tell her that it just doesn't seem to you like she is as invested as you feel like a bridesmaid should be, whatever her reason may be. Tell her that you understand she may just have more important things in her life right now (say it, even if you feel your wedding should be the most important thing!) and that's okay. Tell her that you would rather find someone who was more invested in the wedding but that you'd still love for her to join in all the festivities!
3) If you feel as though you've just drifted apart:
Explain to her that you love her and you always will. Tell her that you just don't feel as close to her as you did when you asked her to be a bridesmaid. Be honest. Tell her that you're worried about your friendship lasting. If the friendship doesn't last, she will still be in all your wedding photographs. Tell them that would make you sad to look back on all your pictures and be reminded of such a sad event.
4) If you simply made a mistake by asking her:
Maybe you don't even really have a specific reason, you just don't want her in your wedding anymore. That's totally okay. In this situation, I would just tell her that you changed your mind (maybe you decided on fewer bridesmaids, or just family for bridesmaids or whatever) and you don't need her to be a bridesmaid anymore. Again, this is an opportunity to maybe offer her a different sort of job at the wedding (that doesn't require her to be in all your photos, etc.)!
Wanting to replace the bridesmaid you fired but don't want to make the same mistakes again? Check out my article on How to Choose the Right Bridesmaids.
Have you ever had to fire a bridesmaid? How did it go? What do you think is the best way to do it? Tell us in the comments!