What I've Learned in My First Year of Marriage
This past Sunday was my husband's and my one-year anniversary. I truly cannot believe it's been a year already! Part of me feels like we've only been married for a few months, while the other part of me feels like we've been married for years!
I decided to write an article about what I've learned in my first year of marriage -- mainly because I feel like I have to. It just makes sense that a wedding blogger should do that. I don't know how much of what I've learned can be applied to other people's marriages. Sure, I can give you guys some standard, oversimplified, cliche life lessons, but I don't honestly believe that's helpful. So, I'm just going to be 100% brutally honest. Some of it may not apply to you, but maybe some of it does.
I've learned...
Marriage is HARD.
For those of you who don't know, my husband lost his job about 2 months before we actually got married. He decided that was a sign that he should start his own car detailing business. As his fiance, I didn't feel I could say, "No -- we need money -- you need to have a job and build up savings so that if the business doesn't go well, we will still be okay." So I let it slide. I felt like I had to. Now it is a year later -- he still doesn't have a regular job, we have ZERO money, and on top of that, I lost my job this past September. Transitioning from girlfriend to fiance to wife in about a year took a lot of getting used to. Even at the beginning of being a wife, I still wasn't sure what I could and couldn't say. I know that might sound crazy, but I didn't want to crush my husband's dreams of starting his business. Once I lost my job in September, I basically decided I couldn't continue not saying anything -- we were completely out of money and about to lose our house. He was getting jobs with his new business, but not enough to keep us afloat, especially with me unable to work because of my disability. It has taken me almost 6 full months to finally tell him outright, "No. We are done trying to make this business work for right now. You need a real, stable, steady-income job." Of course, I still tell him I don't want to give up on his dream and he should continue doing it in his spare time -- after all, that's what a good wife does right?!
The point is, it's hard to walk that fine line between "good wife" and "psycho bitch." I want to support my husband and his dreams, but I also don't want to lose our house. I feel like it's part of learning to be MARRIED, as opposed to just dating. You can't make it seem like you flipped a switch as soon as you say "I do," but at the same time, as a wife, you feel like you have more power to say things that need to be said, and more to risk by staying silent.
It doesn't look like you thought it would.
When we were engaged, I thought getting married wouldn't change us. It wouldn't change us because we had already been living together for years beforehand. I thought the biggest change would be things like opening a joint bank account, having sex more often, being a "team" in everything that we do, and overall being happier in our relationship. I have to tell you, pretty much none of that has changed for us. At least, not yet. For some reason before you get married you kind of either think "nothing will change" or "everything will change." The truth is, things do change, but not the way you think they will. Some of the changes will be better than you expected, and some will be much worse than you expected. A year into our marriage and things are slowly changing, but it's more like things are evolving slowly into something new.
They say the first year of marriage is the hardest -- I HOPE that's true.
As I said before, with my husband not having a job and me being unable to work, this has been one of the hardest years of my entire life. We weren't well off before this happened, but we had enough to pay our mortgage, buy food, pay for our dogs' shots, and pay our bills. Now we can't pay any of it. You can't imagine what going through that does to a marriage. We've gone through other things this year as well that are just too personal to mention on here, but were also devastatingly difficult. I know a lot of marriages would NOT survive this. I know people who have been together for 20 years whose marriage would not survive what we have gone through this past year. But you know what -- we are surviving it. I have no idea how, but we are. I don't know why people say the first year is the hardest. I think they mean it's hard to get used to being married. For us, it has a whole different meaning. One year in, and we are finally starting to feel like "us" again. If this isn't the hardest year for our marriage, I don't want to know what would be.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
That might sound extreme, but it's true. At some point in your marriage (and I hope that it's not the first year, like it was for us) you will more than likely go through something that you don't know if your marriage will survive. I think most, if not all, marriages face challenges at some point. What you will learn is that you CAN get through it. If you stay together, pull each other through it, and you both truly want to stay together and make things better -- you will come out the other side stronger.
If you can make it through the tough times, you will be even closer.
Not everyone makes it through the tough times in marriage. That's why the divorce rate in America is 40-50% of marriages. There's a reason for that. Marriage is tough. It is WORK. Not everyone is willing to (or can without losing their minds) work at it. Not everyone can hang on when they lose everything they've ever owned, or when a spouse cheats, or there is constant arguing -- whatever your problem might be.
What I can say is -- if you can stick through the hard times, the reward is well worth it. Just like the saying, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," that can be applied to relationships: "What doesn't kill the relationship, makes you a stronger couple." And it really is true. The bad times WILL end. If you can hold on until then.
Despite how hard it might be, being married is still wonderful.
I know the majority of this article has almost made me sound like I'm opposed to marriage or that I hate my husband. That couldn't be further from the truth. I actually love marriage and I love my husband. Even if I had known what this marriage would be before we got engaged, I still would have married him. He is the love of my life, and I can't imagine my life without him. Yes, it's been hard. Yes, this is nothing like how I pictured it. Yet, despite all of that, I don't regret anything. I love being married to my husband. I wouldn't have it any other way.
I read articles online with similar titles before I got married: "Our First Year of Marriage," "What I learned after being married for a year," etc. Most of the articles said things like, "Being married is different from being in a relationship," "I learned how to compromise," "I learned to listen better," and "You'll start talking about babies more."
I didn't want to do a silly article like that. I wanted to expose the more truthful side. The uglier side. The side that says things aren't always a perfect and happy fairy tale. I wanted to put out into the world what I WISH I had read before we got married.
The purpose of this article is not meant to scare you away from getting married; in fact, it's quite the opposite. The purpose of this article is to say that you need to go into the marriage with your eyes open. Things will more than likely not be 100% perfect in your relationship, and you know what? ...That's okay! That doesn't mean you shouldn't get married. It just means that things can go bad and it's okay! Things will get better. You will struggle. You will also get through it together. Jump in with both feet -- just know that things won't always be sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns.
